I returned the call I was supposed to. First, to give you a background. M(his name) is the brother of a friend. We were mutual friends on Facebook and once I went for a poetry slam in Lagos at freedom park and he spotted me. That was very weird that he approached me. It seemed ‘stalkery’ to me and I said as much. He told me to imagine if he didn’t talk to me and then brought it up in conversation on Facebook. I agreed that was weirder and then we started talking. First thing I hated about him was he talked slowly in this Igbo father way, not in a sexy Sly Stallone way. The next thing was that he wasn’t funny. On the plus side, he seemed like an attainable version of his brother who I had a crush on but due to unforeseen circumstances (his momentary inability to figure out the workings of a condom while pounding that girl), he is now off the market at 23. After we talked and I gave him my number, I went back to school and I saw 4 missed calls. Thank God i gave him my alternate. That’s how one boy would just be disturbing me at school. He has since called me a round 30 times and it felt like a thousand. Most of the time, I answered and this is usually what I say;
Sorry, can I call you back? I’m on call
Sorry, can I return later? I’m in class
I’m in theatre.
I’m giving notes to someone
I’m fucking someone.
I’m petting an ostrich
I finally found the manners my mother taught me and returned the call and this is how it went
N: I did. I’m sorry that..
M: You…called. That…is…enough, the past,…is the past.
At this point I’m thinking, why am I doing this. This is just going to give him hope but my momma’s voice in my head said “Go on!”
N: You’ve been calling tirelessly, ¿que pasa?
M: What’s that mean?
N: Never mind, how are you?
M: I’m good now. I just wanted to know how you were doing?
So he called me 30 times
N: So you called me 50times
M: It wasn’t…up…to…50. I called…31…times
I missed one
N: you counted too
M:I…am…going…back…to…the…UK…soon,…I…just…wanted…to…know…where…we…stood. You see, I…like…you…and…I…thought…we…had…a…good…time…then…I…went…home…and…you…won’t…talk…to…me.
N:I told you I was busy. I gave you reasons.
M: You…could…not…have…been…doing all…those…things.
I know what is on his mind
N: Oh but I was
M: You were petting an ostrich?
Interestingly, his slur was gone. Marks for tact but bring it home.
N: Yeah, I have weird friends
M: You were sleeping with someone?
He shoots he scores.
N: I was
M: Erm…okay. Why would you do that? Having sex outside marriage is a sin.
M: So you didn’t pick my call because you were fornicating.
N: Okay, this seems like a good place to cut the call before you go ahead and call me a whore.
M: If it walks like a duck…
N: Wow, okay. First of all, fuck you. Second, I know your brother and his reason for getting married at 22. Third, I fucked your brother and you’re just getting butthurt because you don’t have a chance. Which is incidentally why I called before I chose to say hello. Have a nice life.
He called back a minute later
N: Drop dead.